Episode Transcript
[00:00:01] All right, well, good afternoon and welcome to this workshop entitled Pursuing Faithfulness in Parenting Teens. I'm going to go ahead and pray, and then we'll jump right in.
[00:00:12] So, Father, we pray that you would use this time right now that you would help us as we open up your word and we consider what you have to say to us about parenting. Again, many of us are in very different places in this regard, and in some of our households, things are going really well.
[00:00:28] And in other households, maybe things aren't going so well, but we just pray that you would guide and help and lead and encourage and strengthen us as we gather together right now. We pray it in Jesus name. Amen. Amen. Well, let's begin with this. Who this workshop is for. And there's kind of three groups of people that this workshop is for. Here's the first group. The first group is those who are not currently living with teens, but maybe someday you will live with teens.
[00:00:57] So this workshop is hopefully going to offer some preparation for you. The second group are those who are not currently living with teens, but you want to come alongside those who are.
[00:01:10] This workshop, hopefully, will offer some equipping for you.
[00:01:14] And then we have the third group. The third group are those who are currently living with teens. And maybe you're going through some difficult things right now.
[00:01:25] This workshop is designed to offer some clarity, some encouragement, and some practical tools for you as you pursue faithfulness in parenting.
[00:01:37] So here's what this workshop is not. Okay? This workshop is not. It's not four easy steps for controlling your teenager. It's also not five easy steps for making your teenager obedient.
[00:01:51] And it's also not six easy steps to make your teenager respectful and thankful. This workshop is not any of those things. Number one, because there are no easy steps for these things.
[00:02:05] But then number two, because biblically, these things are not our objective.
[00:02:12] These things are not our priority.
[00:02:15] So here's what this workshop is about.
[00:02:18] It's about pursuing faithfulness to the Lord in parenting our teens. Because this is the objective.
[00:02:26] This is what God is calling us to. It's. It's faithfulness.
[00:02:31] So we'll begin today with this question.
[00:02:33] What is parenting like? What even is parenting? What is parenting from a biblical perspective? How would you answer that question?
[00:02:43] Because sometimes we can define what parenting is by the way that parenting makes us feel.
[00:02:52] So, for example, sometimes parenting can feel joyful or peaceful or wonderful because everyone's getting along and things are going really well.
[00:03:04] And maybe that describes your household right now. Maybe that's how you would define what parenting is, that parenting is a joy.
[00:03:14] But for others, parenting can feel very frustrating because you're wanting your teen to go this way and to live this way and to act this way, but they are absolutely determined to go that way.
[00:03:31] And that can be frustrating. It can feel frustrating because they aren't doing what you want.
[00:03:38] And maybe some of us here can relate to. And that's how you would. What you would describe what parenting is. You would say that parenting is. It's kind of frustrating.
[00:03:48] But then for others, it's not really frustration that you feel.
[00:03:55] It's more this deep sense of sorrow and sadness and grief and hurt and pain because of the things that your teen is doing, or maybe because some of the things that your teen has said to you, some of those things that you just can't unhear, maybe some of you here can relate to that. And the way you would define parenting would be that parenting is. Man, it's just painful.
[00:04:27] So sometimes parenting can feel joyful, sometimes it can feel frustrating, sometimes it can feel very painful, and sometimes it's a big mix of all of these things together. I know that I've personally experienced all three of those, but that actually doesn't get to the question of what parenting is from a biblical perspective.
[00:04:50] So here's what parenting is from a biblical perspective. Parenting is a temporary stewardship.
[00:04:57] So you'll see that there in your notes. There's some. Fill in the blanks.
[00:05:00] Parenting is a temporary stewardship.
[00:05:04] So it's. It's temporary. It. It doesn't last forever. It's only for a few years.
[00:05:10] And it's also a stewardship because it's a responsibility that has been given to us from God himself.
[00:05:20] Parenting is a temporary stewardship.
[00:05:24] So if that's what parenting is, then again, what is the objective of parenting?
[00:05:31] Well, as good stewards, our objective is to be faithful, to be faithful to the Lord in our parenting. That's the objective, to be faithful.
[00:05:43] So what does that look like?
[00:05:45] What does it look like to be faithful? Well, here's what faithfulness does not look like.
[00:05:51] Faithfulness does not look like reaching some kind of level of parenting. That is like perfection.
[00:05:59] A faithfulness is not parenting perfection.
[00:06:04] Now, some parents may have given you the impression that they have somehow reached this level of parenting perfection. But here's the truth.
[00:06:12] There is only one perfect father, and it's not any of us.
[00:06:19] At best, we are all imperfect.
[00:06:23] So the objective of parenting is not somehow to become a perfect parent, but rather, our objective is to become a faithful parent.
[00:06:34] So we can think of it this way, that parenting is supposed to be an expression of worship to God in response to the Gospel. That's also there in your notes.
[00:06:48] Parenting, being a. A father. It. It. It is supposed to be an expression of worship to God in light of. Of the gospel in response to the Gospel.
[00:06:59] And so here's what that looks like. Practically.
[00:07:03] Practically. It looks like the Great Commission, which means it looks like doing everything that we can, everything we can to make disciples of our teens, but doing it in a spirit of love and humility and wisdom.
[00:07:22] That's what faithfulness in parenting teens looks like. It looks like doing everything that we can to make disciples of our teens in a spirit of love and a spirit of humility and a spirit of wisdom.
[00:07:37] That's what faithfulness looks like.
[00:07:41] But, man, that is a really big challenge. That is a huge, huge challenge because there's only so much we can do.
[00:07:50] Like, we can't somehow snap our fingers and give our teens faith or give them repentance or give them a new heart.
[00:08:02] But thankfully, the Lord isn't calling us to do any of those things.
[00:08:08] He's not calling us to do the things that only he can do.
[00:08:13] Rather, he's calling us to be faithful.
[00:08:18] So, again, what does it look like to be faithful?
[00:08:24] Well, I think we get a really great example of what faithfulness looks like in the ministry of the prophet Jeremiah.
[00:08:32] So consider what God says to Jeremiah in Jeremiah, chapter 7, verse 27. I'm going to give you the context, and then I'll read it to you. But the context here is Jeremiah is a young man. He's been called into ministry, and. And God has given him a mission. God has given him a purpose to go to his people and give them a message.
[00:08:53] So, so God gives Jeremiah exactly what he wants to say. He says, go, say thus says the Lord, and then he says this to him. Chapter 7, verse 27. He says, so you shall speak all these words to them, but they will not listen to you.
[00:09:13] You shall call to them, but they will not answer you.
[00:09:19] So was God calling Jeremiah to somehow give the people repentance or somehow to give them faith or to somehow give them a new heart?
[00:09:30] Was he calling Jeremiah to somehow go and transform the people?
[00:09:36] And the answer is no.
[00:09:39] He was calling Jeremiah simply to be faithful, to simply go and do what God had commanded him to do and to speak to the people.
[00:09:52] And in the same way God also calls us, he calls fathers, to be faithful, also to go and do what he has commanded us to do.
[00:10:04] And to take on the responsibility of doing these things and to not take on the responsibility of doing the things that only God can do.
[00:10:13] So, for example, let's look at three really, really big obstacles to our teens becoming disciples of Jesus Christ. And two of them only God can change. And then one of them, God calls us to change.
[00:10:30] So here's the first obstacle. It's one that only God can change. Here it is, spiritual blindness.
[00:10:38] Spiritual blindness, meaning this, that all children are born spiritually blind.
[00:10:46] And when teens are spiritually blind, they are unable to understand and they are unable to apply any spiritual truth. It just sounds like nonsense to them. And we don't have the power to change that.
[00:11:01] Changing that is not what faithfulness looks like. Faithfulness does not look like doing something that we cannot do.
[00:11:10] Only God can open the eyes of the blind.
[00:11:14] So if our teens are going to be disciples of Jesus Christ, then God must open their eyes. That's something only God can do.
[00:11:22] Second, another obstacle that only God can remove is this. It's enslavement to sin.
[00:11:29] Enslavement to sin.
[00:11:32] All children are born enslaved to sin.
[00:11:36] So when sin says jump, they say how high?
[00:11:42] They are enslaved to sin. And so when teens are enslaved to sin, they will of course, of course have hearts that are filled with pride.
[00:11:52] And they will of course have hearts that lust after self glory and lust after self indulgence. And. And you and I do not have the power to change any of that.
[00:12:06] Changing. That is not what faithfulness looks like. Faithfulness does not look like doing something that we cannot do.
[00:12:14] We cannot break our teens free from slavery to sin. Only God can do that by causing them to be born again, giving them the new birth in Jesus Christ.
[00:12:25] So only God can remove those two obstacles. But there is a third obstacle, a third obstacle that's often in the way of us making disciples of our teens. And this one is one that God calls us to do something about.
[00:12:43] So here's where faithfulness comes in. Here's the third obstacle. Here it is. It's the obstacle of our own hearts.
[00:12:51] That's the third obstacle to us making disciples of our teens.
[00:12:55] It's us.
[00:12:57] It's us.
[00:12:59] And here's what I mean.
[00:13:01] Romans 6:12 says. Paul says. He says, let not sin therefore reign in your mortal body to make you obey its passions.
[00:13:11] So here Paul is describing in Romans chapter six that all of us have this thing inside of us called sin. That is a bottomless pit of evil and wickedness that has no bound.
[00:13:23] But if we are saved in Jesus Christ, we have been broken free from slavery to sin. We have been broken free from its total control.
[00:13:32] But the problem is that it's still there.
[00:13:35] It is still seeking to control. It is still seeking to exert influence. It still wants to rule over our bodies and make us obey its passions and its desires.
[00:13:48] And because sin is still in us, and because we are so prone to give ourselves over to it, so often our hearts are filled with pride in our hearts lust after self glory, and our hearts lust after self indulgence.
[00:14:11] And when our hearts, yours and mine, are in that place, the last thing on our mind is doing everything we can to make disciples of our teens in a spirit of love and humility and wisdom.
[00:14:25] Instead. So often we will find ourselves doing this.
[00:14:30] We will find ourselves doing everything we can to get our teens to give us the respect and the obedience and the appreciation that our hearts are desiring.
[00:14:44] Now, these things, respect, obedience, appreciation, these are not bad things to desire.
[00:14:53] It's not. It's not bad to desire the respect or the obedience or the appreciation of our teens. That's not bad.
[00:15:01] But it is bad to desire these things too much. Amen. That is bad. It is bad to desire these two, these things too much. Because when our hearts desire these things too much, then they begin to rule and control our hearts. And when the desire for our teens respect or their obedience or their appreciation begins to rule and control our hearts, then our parenting begins to be all about us and us getting what we want, instead of our parenting being all about God and faithfulness to him.
[00:15:39] And this is something that every single parent struggles with, because we all struggle with sin.
[00:15:50] So here's a question.
[00:15:53] How do we know if we are desiring the respect or the obedience or the appreciation of our teen too much?
[00:16:02] How can we know if the desire for these things is actually controlling our hearts? Well, here's how.
[00:16:08] It's when we find ourselves not just hurt, not just sad or in pain or grieving over the things our teen has done, but rather, it's when we find ourselves getting angry or maybe even getting bitter at our teenager because they're not giving us the respect or the obedience or the appreciation that we want, that is a sure sign that our desire for these things has become way too big.
[00:16:39] It's when we are filled with anger or bitterness and when we're not getting what we want from our teen. And that is what God wants to change in us.
[00:16:50] That's what he wants to change in us. We can think of parenting this way, that parenting difficulties are meant to drive us to God.
[00:17:01] That's there in your notes as well.
[00:17:04] Parenting difficulties.
[00:17:07] They are meant to drive us to. To God because parenting is a very, very powerful way that God shows us what's in our hearts.
[00:17:19] And he does this. He shows us what's in our hearts for two reasons.
[00:17:25] Number one, he shows us what's in our hearts because he loves us and he wants to set us free from the desires that are controlling us.
[00:17:34] That's the first reason.
[00:17:36] But then, number two, God shows us what's in our hearts because he wants to use us in the lives of our teens.
[00:17:46] He wants to use us in the lives of our teens. He wants to use us in the process of drawing our teens to himself.
[00:17:57] We, you and I, are a big part of God's plan to draw our teens to Him.
[00:18:05] Let me show you that from Scripture.
[00:18:09] Please turn with me to 1 Corinthians, chapter 7, verse 14. 1st Corinthians, chapter 7, verse14.
[00:18:18] So the context here is that Paul is speaking to the church. He's speaking to believers, and he's explaining to them that if they're married to an unbeliever, that they shouldn't leave their unbelieving spouse. That's. That's the context. So First Corinthians, chapter 7, verse 14. Paul says this. He says, for the unbelieving husband is made holy because of his wife, and the unbelieving wife is made holy because of her husband. Otherwise, notice this, your children would be unclean.
[00:18:53] But as it is, they are holy.
[00:18:58] They are holy. So here's what Paul means by that. He means that your children have been set apart. That's what that word holy means. Your children have been set apart. Meaning this, that God has set apart your children to live in a Christian home and to be under your influence in that way. They have been set apart. They are holy.
[00:19:24] God has done that. God has placed them under your influence, which means they have been placed in a wonderful place of great privilege because God has placed them with you, in your home, under your care, in order to receive your spiritual influence.
[00:19:48] This is what it means that they have been set apart. It means they have been placed in your care by God to receive your spiritual influence. And listen, listen.
[00:20:00] Here's the truth right here, okay?
[00:20:03] God delights to use the spiritual influence of fathers.
[00:20:09] God delights to use the spiritual influence of fathers, especially the godly character of fathers in the story and in the process of bringing about the conversion of their teens. Let me say that one more time.
[00:20:25] God delights to use the spiritual influence of fathers, especially their godly character, in the story and in the process of bringing about the conversion of their teens.
[00:20:42] In other words, your godly character and your influence is a huge deal to God.
[00:20:51] It's a huge deal because God wants to use your godly character in the process of drawing your teen to Him.
[00:20:59] Therefore, because of that, God exposes and then seeks to eradicate everything in us that's getting in the way of that, including all of our out of control desires for respect and obedience and appreciation.
[00:21:21] God is working right now to expose and eradicate everything in our character that is getting in the way of him using us to draw our teens to Himself.
[00:21:36] So consider it right now, right now, in some households, God is using all the pressures.
[00:21:44] God is using all the difficulties and the challenges that come from our teens to expose what's going on in our hearts so that we would see our hearts and see the desires that are so often controlling us and that we would then repent and pursue faithfulness to Him.
[00:22:09] So what does that faithfulness look like exactly?
[00:22:13] Well, here's one way of thinking about it. You can see it there on the diagram in your notes on page four.
[00:22:18] A Faithfulness in parenting teens looks like these four things. It looks like reliance upon the Lord. It looks like pursuing relationship with our teen. It looks like helping our teen to learn how to accept responsibility.
[00:22:33] And it also looks like learning how to conduct ourselves and with great restraint.
[00:22:41] So there are four Rs there, Reliance, Relationship, responsibility, and restraint. And we're going to look at a basic biblical framework for each one of these. And then we'll look at some practical application for each one as well. So let's begin with the first one, reliance.
[00:22:59] Reliance, meaning reliance upon the Lord.
[00:23:03] And we're going to spend most of our time on this one because this one is the most important one by far, because it empowers the other three.
[00:23:12] So let's look at a framework for reliance upon Jesus Christ, which of course begins with this abiding in Christ. You can see that in your notes right there. Abiding in Christ.
[00:23:23] John 15:5. Jesus says this. He says, I am the vine, you are the branches, and whoever abides in me, and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit. For apart from me you can do nothing.
[00:23:37] Jesus says, I'm like a vine, you're like a branch. The only way that the fruit of parenting faithfulness is going to be on that branch is if we are drawing from the vine. That's the only way apart from abiding There is no biblical parenting apart from abiding. There is no faithful biblical parenting.
[00:24:00] And so what does abiding look like?
[00:24:03] Well, here's one way.
[00:24:06] One way that we can pursue abiding is something that many of us would be familiar with already. It's the here journaling method and Acts prayers.
[00:24:15] So here journaling again. You can see that in your notes. So here is an acronym. H E A R. So we begin with H, which stands for highlight.
[00:24:26] So that basically means that instead of kind of reading through like 50 chapters of scripture, it means I'm gonna sit down in the morning, open up my Bible, I'm gonna start reading through one book of the Bible. Maybe I'm reading through the Gospel of John or First Corinthians, but I'm just gonna focus on one book of the Bible and I'm gonna read like five to ten verses. Okay? Like, that's it. Gonna keep it real simple. I've got my Bible and then I also have a journal or like a pad of paper.
[00:24:51] And as I read through those verses, I'm just gonna write down the one or two verses that really jump out to me. Just the one or two verses. It's like, well, why would I do that? Why bother, you know, taking a pen and, you know, the effort of writing? Here's why.
[00:25:07] Because as John Piper says, pens have eyes.
[00:25:11] As we take God's word and we begin to write it out so often, so we begin to see things and we make connections. We circling and underlining and arrows that we didn't see before.
[00:25:22] So that's highlight. It's just grabbing one or two verses and writing them down in a journal. That's H E, E is explain.
[00:25:33] So we've written down our verses. The next thing we're gonna do is explain what those verses mean.
[00:25:38] And maybe like, well, I don't know what those. How do I gonna know what those verses mean? Well, that's a great reason to purchase a study Bible. If you don't own a study Bible, I'd recommend that you get one today. Okay. The ESV Study Bible would be a great addition. You can have it right there. If you're like, I don't know what this means, you can, you can look it up. What, what does this verse mean? And you can write down, here are my verses. Here's what it means. Explain.
[00:26:03] So H and then E and then A is apply. And this part is so, so very important.
[00:26:11] You're. You're thinking through. Okay, so how does this apply to me?
[00:26:16] What kind of Application for my life. Can I draw from what I'm reading? So maybe you're reading about loving your neighbor as yourself. And it's like, okay, how do I apply that to my life?
[00:26:28] Like, what neighbor could I love today? What does that look like?
[00:26:34] And how can I love that neighbor? In what way?
[00:26:38] What time of day am I gonna do that at? Like, concrete application.
[00:26:43] Trying to be a doer of the word and not just a hearer. So highlight, explain. And then I write down how I'm going to apply this to my life.
[00:26:53] And then R is respond. H E A R. R is respond with prayer.
[00:27:00] Responding with prayer. And a great model for prayer is acts, another acronym. So this is just kind of like taken from the Lord's Prayer, really. So A is adoration, Just taking a few moments to worship the Lord, to tell him how awesome he is. God, you are light, you are love, you are perfect, you are holy just to worship the Lord.
[00:27:21] C is confession, taking time to ask the Spirit of God to search your heart and then to confess all known sin to him. Every day, Every day, confessing our sin to the Lord. AC and then t Thanksgiving, being intentional about, thinking about, what am I thankful for in my life? Like, what are the top five things I'm thankful for right now? God, thank you so much for the cross. Thank you for the forgiveness of sins. Thank you for your spirit, thank you for your word, thank you for running water, thank you for food, thank you for family, thank you for friends. So much to be thankful for.
[00:27:58] And then s Supplication, that's where we're asking the Lord to move and to work. And this is a great place where we can ask him to help us as we seek to. To apply the word that we read that day.
[00:28:14] So that's one way that we can think about abiding. And here's what we need to see about abiding.
[00:28:21] That God makes us faithful parents through abiding.
[00:28:28] This is what we need. This is essential.
[00:28:30] God makes us faithful parents through abiding. So we must abide.
[00:28:35] We don't have a chance of being faithful apart from abiding.
[00:28:41] And through abiding, we also learn this.
[00:28:45] We learn the secret that Jesus is the cake.
[00:28:50] You're like, oh, what on earth does that mean? Jesus is the cake? Well, here's what I mean. I mean, I mean, like, Jesus is everything. Like, he's. He's literally everything that we need. And if we get a little bit of icing on the top of the cake in the form of, like, the respect of your teen, or the obedience of our teen, or appreciation from Martini. It's just a little bit of icing on the cake. Praise God. That's, that's, that's great blessing. We, we appreciate that, but we already have everything we need.
[00:29:16] I don't need that icing. I don't need that respect. I don't need that appreciation. I don't need that obedience. It's not essential for my well being. I already have everything I need in Christ that is only learned through abiding.
[00:29:35] That's the first and essential part of this framework for reliance. It's abiding. But secondly, secondly.
[00:29:42] Also so important is persevering in prayer for our teen.
[00:29:48] Persevering in prayer for our teen. Psalm 127, verse 1, There in your notes says this. Unless the Lord builds the house, those who build it labor in vain.
[00:30:00] Meaning? Meaning that unless the Lord does something, nothing is going to happen.
[00:30:06] Unless the Lord does something, nothing is going to happen. Therefore. Therefore, we must ask. We must ask him to move. We must ask him to work. We must pray. And we must not give up. And here's why. Because as one author puts it, your teenager is no match for God's power.
[00:30:27] Your teenager is no match for God's power. No matter where they are currently at, your teen is no match for the power of God.
[00:30:37] And so we need to persevere in prayer for them.
[00:30:42] And there are some verses there in your notes to help stoke the fire for persevering in prayer for your team. Beginning with this Revelation chapter 7.
[00:30:50] Revelation chapter 7. We see this great multitude of the saints. They are there from every nation, tribe and tongue. They are before God's throne and they cry out together. Look what it says. Salvation belongs to our God who sits on the throne, and to the Lamb.
[00:31:09] This is why we must pray. Because salvation does not belong to us. Salvation does not belong to clever parenting strategies. Salvation belongs to God.
[00:31:20] So we must pray to the one who grants and gives salvation.
[00:31:26] We must ask and keep asking.
[00:31:31] So here's the question.
[00:31:34] What sort of confidence should we have that God hears our prayers and that he will answer us?
[00:31:45] What kind of confidence should we have? Well, again, 1 John 5, there in your notes, look what John says. He says this is the confidence that we have toward him, that if we ask anything according to his will.
[00:31:59] If we ask anything according to his will.
[00:32:02] Now when John says those words, his will, he's not talking about God's secret sovereign will that we can't discover because it's in the future. And if we maybe kind of pray along those lines, we just happen to kind of hit upon it, then God will hear us and answer us. That's not what he's saying.
[00:32:18] When he's saying when we pray according to his will. His will refers to his revealed will in His Word, his revealed moral will in His Word. These are the things we are to be asking him for. When God says, this is. This is good, this is my way, this is what I want, these are the things we are to be asking him for.
[00:32:37] So this is the confidence we have toward him that if we ask anything according to his will, notice he hears us.
[00:32:47] And if we know that he hears us in whatever we ask, we know that we have the requests that we have asked of Him.
[00:33:01] If we are praying according to God's will, He hears and he will answer.
[00:33:11] So what is his will concerning salvation?
[00:33:15] What does his word say?
[00:33:17] Well, second Peter 3 in your notes there says, the Lord is not slow to fulfill his promise, as some count slowness, but is patient toward you, not wishing that any should perish, but that all should reach repentance.
[00:33:32] So of course we also know from God's Word that not all will reach repentance. Not all will be saved. In fact, very few will reach repentance and genuinely be saved.
[00:33:41] But at the same time, we also see here that this is his will, that none should perish, that God's desire is to save. This is why Jesus came. This is what he does. He saves.
[00:33:56] First Timothy 2. 4 says that speaking of God says, who desires all people to be saved and to come to the knowledge of the truth. So again, yes, yes, we know not all will be saved. Not all will come to the knowledge of the truth. Yes, but at the same time we also know that this is God's will. This is his desire. This is what he does.
[00:34:19] So we know that we are praying according to God's will as revealed in His Word. When we are praying for salvation, when we are praying for God to save our teen, we know we are praying according to his will. God wants us to pray for this 100%. Of course he does.
[00:34:36] He wants us to pray that he will save our teen.
[00:34:41] But here's the question.
[00:34:44] Could there be anything that is hindering our prayers?
[00:34:51] 1st Peter 3:7 Peter says, likewise, husbands live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered.
[00:35:10] So ask yourself, am I living if I'm Married here today. Am I living with my wife in an understanding way?
[00:35:21] That phrase, understanding way means to make her the object of your study.
[00:35:26] To learn everything you can about her, to know what she loves, what she hates, what she fears, what she's anxious about, what makes her upset. To. To understand her to the most that you possibly can. To live with her in an understanding way, showing compassion and mercy and grace and love and support and care. Living with her in an understanding way, but then also showing honor.
[00:35:58] Showing her honor.
[00:36:00] Putting her first, putting yourself last.
[00:36:04] Building her up with words and with actions. Showing her that you value her and care for her and love her. Showing her honor.
[00:36:18] Because if we're not doing those things, our prayers will be hindered.
[00:36:25] It's not about doing bad stuff, it's about not doing good stuff.
[00:36:30] If we're not doing that, our prayers will be hindered. So ask yourself, is there anything that I need to repent of today with regard to how I treat my wife?
[00:36:43] Because this might be hindering our prayers.
[00:36:49] And keep this in mind, too, regarding prayer, that the testimony of Scripture very clearly shows that God's disposition toward his people is to answer their prayers. I mean, we. We see this in the Bible from front to back, that when God's people pray according to his will, God answers their prayers.
[00:37:12] So, yes, according to his timing and yes, yes, according to some. Some mystery there. But. But God delights to answer the prayers of his people.
[00:37:24] So here's what we must do.
[00:37:27] We must persevere in prayer.
[00:37:30] We must continue praying for our teens every day. Every day. Persevering in prayer in this way, praying for their salvation if they don't know Christ, praying for God to move, praying for God to work in their hearts and lives. And if you are here and you're married, if your wife is willing to pray with your wife every day for your teen to pray for their salvation, to pray for God to move and to work and then to believe that God hears and to believe that he will answer you according to his timing.
[00:38:05] And yes, there are mysteries in God's ways and there are mysteries in God's timing. But I believe this with all my heart, that God wants us, men, us fathers, to persevere in prayer for our teens and to believe that in his timing, he will answer us. And listen.
[00:38:25] If you die before he answers, then die believing.
[00:38:32] If you die before he answers, die believing.
[00:38:42] We must persevere in prayer.
[00:38:45] This is what reliance on the Lord looks like.
[00:38:49] Next. And the final part of this framework for reliance is this. It's Seek wisdom, peace and a harvest of righteousness.
[00:38:58] Seek wisdom, peace and a harvest of righteousness. One text James, chapter 3, verse 17. James says, but the wisdom from above in chapter 1 of James, he says. He says, if you lack wisdom, ask for wisdom.
[00:39:14] As men, as fathers, are we asking God for wisdom in parenting, are we praying for wisdom? Because he's about to tell us what wisdom looks like. The answer to the prayer looks like this. But the wisdom from above is first pure.
[00:39:32] Pure here refers to motives, pure motives. We are walking in wisdom when our motives are pure, meaning that we are seeking to glorify God.
[00:39:43] Pure wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable.
[00:39:49] That word peaceable, it means living for the welfare of other people.
[00:39:55] So wisdom from above. We are walking in wisdom when our motive is to glorify God. And we are. We are living for the welfare of others. But then also gentle, not harsh, not angry, open to reason.
[00:40:09] It's not like my way or else. And there's no other perspectives. It's open to reason, open to dialogue and conversation.
[00:40:17] Full of mercy, giving people what they don't deserve. Full of mercy and good fruits. All the fruits of the spirit. Impartial, no favoritism, insincere, real.
[00:40:33] That's what wisdom looks like. That's wisdom from above.
[00:40:38] And then verse 18 goes on. It says, a harvest of righteousness.
[00:40:42] As fathers, isn't that all? Isn't that what we want? We want to see a harvest of righteousness in our families. This is what we are praying for. That's what we're longing for. A harvest of righteousness. How does it happen? A harvest of righteousness is sown peace by those who make peace.
[00:41:01] So a godly father, he wants a harvest of righteousness. So what is he doing? He's out there sowing in his family. He's sowing seeds every day. He's out there sowing seeds of God's word.
[00:41:11] He's sowing seeds of kindness. He's sowing seeds of love and godly character. He's out there sowing seeds not in anger, not in rage, not in bitterness, but in peace.
[00:41:28] He's a man of peace, and he's sowing seeds. And what does he get? He gets a harvest of righteousness. A harvest of righteousness is sown in peace by those who make peace.
[00:41:40] So what does this reliance look like practically? Well, you can see that again there in your diagram. And you can see that like on the top and on the bottom, there's like different numbers. There's like one on the Top one on the bottom, two on the top, two on the bottom.
[00:41:54] So you can make notes there.
[00:41:57] You can have a space for each item, but let's look at each one of these. So. So reliance looks like abiding in Christ. We talked about here journaling and acts, prayers.
[00:42:07] It looks like repenting of sin. And not just kind of once in a while, but daily.
[00:42:12] Daily confessing our sin to the Lord. Repenting. It looks like persevering in prayer daily. And if. If our wives will. Will pray with us, all the better. Praying for our teens daily. And then it also looks like seeking wisdom, peace, and a harvest of righteousness, praying for wisdom, being the kind of man who's sowing in his family in peace.
[00:42:37] So if we're going to be faithful in parenting, this is step one. It's right here.
[00:42:41] Reliance upon the Lord. That's the biggest one, but there's three others. We're gonna go through these fairly quickly. They're much smaller. Secondly. Secondly, a big part of righteousness also is this. It's pursuing relationship with our team.
[00:42:57] Pursuing relationship in a biblical framework for relationship. It's right there in your notes. It's First Corinthians, chapter 13.
[00:43:04] It's the love chapter. I'm not gonna read the whole thing, but I would draw your attention to verse four, which. Which defines. Begins to define what love is. Notice the first thing that's mentioned is love is. What does it say?
[00:43:17] Patient.
[00:43:20] Love is patient.
[00:43:24] That's the first description of love here. It's patient. And then. And then verse 13 says, now faith, hope, and love abide these three. But the greatest of these is love.
[00:43:35] That love is the greatest thing. And so we can think of it this way, that a framework for biblical relationship, then, is a framework of love, which means that a biblical framework for relationship is a framework of patience.
[00:43:52] You and I, when we are on our deathbed, we will never regret patience.
[00:43:58] We'll never be there like, oh, man, I wish I had been less patient in my life.
[00:44:04] We may regret a whole bunch of other things, but we will never regret patience.
[00:44:09] Patience. Next, Colossians 3:12. Paul says, Put on then as God's chosen ones, holy and beloved.
[00:44:17] That's who you are.
[00:44:18] You are God's chosen ones. God has chosen you from before the foundation of the world. He said, he will be mine.
[00:44:26] Chosen ones, holy.
[00:44:29] God has set you apart. He has justified you.
[00:44:34] You are holy, chosen, holy and beloved, loved by God more than you could ever possibly imagine. Paul says, put on then as God's chosen ones, holy and Beloved, because that is true, because of the gospel, put on compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and then again, patience.
[00:45:02] Patience Also Proverbs, chapter 20, verse 5 says, the purpose in a man's heart is like deep water, but a man of understanding will draw it out.
[00:45:14] A man of understanding will draw it out. So the heart is kind of like this deep well with water inside it. As. As godly fathers, we want to get some buckets and put them down that well and try to pull up what's inside and get to know our teen. This is what a man of understanding does. Again, just trying to learn about them and who they are, what they love, what they hate, what they fear, what are they all about? What is their life revolving around? What's important to them? What do they value? Who are they?
[00:45:42] This is what a man of understanding does.
[00:45:46] So what does pursuing relationship with our teen look like practically? Well, again, you can see it there in your handout. There's a place for you there to take notes. Again, 1 to 1, 2 to 2. But here's the first thing. If we want to pursue relationship, then we need to spend time doing things with them that they enjoy.
[00:46:04] What are some things that your teen enjoys doing that you could come alongside them and do that thing with them? What could you start to become more involved with that they enjoy?
[00:46:15] Next, listen to them.
[00:46:18] You know, sometimes it's okay just to be quiet.
[00:46:21] In our culture, we have a really hard time doing that. We like to fill up all the space with words, and that's why we make these noises, like, because we are uncomfortable with silence. But, you know, sometimes it's just good to be quiet, you know, especially if you're, like, driving in the car. That's a perfect time. Just, like, turn the music off and just sit there and not say anything. And you'll be surprised how often your teen might open up and start to talk. And it'll give you a great opportunity just to allow space and to listen.
[00:46:51] Next, encourage them, be on the lookout for things that you can affirm.
[00:46:57] Be on the lookout for ways that you can say, yeah, way to go, that was great, or look for ways that you can validate and affirm and encourage.
[00:47:06] Next.
[00:47:07] Validate how they feel.
[00:47:10] Sometimes as parents, we really struggle with this one as dads, especially when we have our teens sitting with us and like, well, I feel this way and I feel this way, and there's something inside of us that can just sometimes be like, well, you shouldn't feel that way and stop doing that and feel this way and that's silly and whatever, but instead, just be like, man, like, I'm sorry you feel that way.
[00:47:29] That must be really hard.
[00:47:32] Validate how they feel. Don't tell them they shouldn't feel that way.
[00:47:35] Next, draw out their heart with good questions.
[00:47:39] This is the bucket that we put down the. Well, it's good questions. Again, trying to get to know them, to discover the thing you know again, what they hate, what they love, who they are, what they value. Ask them good questions.
[00:47:53] Next, above everything, seek to love them.
[00:47:58] Above everything, Let them know that you are for them no matter what.
[00:48:04] That no matter what, you are on their side, you are in their corner. You are for them. Let them know that.
[00:48:11] Next, forgive them and ask for forgiveness.
[00:48:16] Maybe you're here today and there are some things that your teen has done, and you've kind of taken those things and put them in a duffel bag on your back and you're carrying those things around and you haven't forgiven them. Like today.
[00:48:28] Today is a great day to take those things before the Lord and drop the debt.
[00:48:33] To just drop the debt in light of your debt being dropped at the cross for you to take those things, to name them. Lord, I've been holding this against them. I've been harboring resentment. I haven't forgiven them. To just take those things before the Lord and to drop the debt, to forgive them.
[00:48:50] Oftentimes in a meeting with teens, they'll say this to me. They'll say, my dad has never once asked me for forgiveness.
[00:49:02] Or my dad has never come to me and said, you know what? I messed up. I sinned against you. Please forgive me for.
[00:49:11] And that's certainly not because we haven't ever sinned.
[00:49:16] Is there anything that you need to ask your teen for forgiveness for?
[00:49:21] Next, Point them to Christ.
[00:49:25] Point them to Christ. So if your teen will sit down with you and do a regular Bible study, praise God, embrace that and be faithful in that. But sometimes it might look like Deuteronomy 6 and you're sharing things about God, having conversations. As you're walking over here, you're doing that activity. You're over here talking about the things of the Lord.
[00:49:44] But then again, never underestimate your godly character.
[00:49:49] They're watching. They're watching everything that you do. They're watching how you respond to stress. They're watching how you interact with your wife. They're watching what you value. They're watching all those things. And your godly character is meant to point them to Christ and then lastly, help them to Develop a dream for their life.
[00:50:10] Help them to develop a dream for their life. What are they interested in? What are they really good at? Help them to develop a dream for their life that they're excited about. Encourage them in that way.
[00:50:21] This is what it looks like to pursue relationship with your team.
[00:50:26] Next, let's have a look at a framework for responsibility, helping our teen learn how to accept responsibility. Just two verses here. Hebrews 12:11 says, for the moment, all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant. But later, it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.
[00:50:48] Now, when we read that word discipline so often, we interpret that as like consequences, that discipline means consequences.
[00:50:56] But biblically, that's not what discipline means. Discipline primarily means training.
[00:51:02] So we are always under the training of God. We are always under the discipline of God. And this is what we are called to do with our kids and our teens. Train them. Train them.
[00:51:16] Proverbs 19:19 has a great principle for us as well. It says, a man of great wrath will pay the penalty, for if you deliver him, you will only have to do it again.
[00:51:28] So the principle here is, don't always rescue people, but allow natural consequences to fall upon them. Don't intervene and get in the way of a really important learning event in their lives.
[00:51:45] Allow natural consequences. So what does this look like practically?
[00:51:49] Again, you can see this in your notes under responsibility. So the first thing there is to shift an appropriate level of responsibility to your teen, given their age, maturity, and capacity.
[00:52:01] Okay, Shift responsibility as your teen. As your. As your child begins to grow up and they become a teenager, start shifting more and more responsibility. Stop doing everything for them.
[00:52:11] Stop cleaning up. Stop laundry. Stop.
[00:52:15] Shift responsibility to them. They need life skills.
[00:52:20] Don't do everything for them. Next, allow for natural consequences.
[00:52:26] Do not get in the way of important life lessons.
[00:52:30] Don't always rescue them from important life lessons. Next, create simple and clearly explained rules.
[00:52:42] Simple and clearly explained rules.
[00:52:46] What are the rules of your home?
[00:52:52] If I was to have your teen, if your teen was here and I was to say, what are the rules of your house? Would they be able to be like, okay, it's like, boom, boom, boom. It's like these three things.
[00:53:01] Or is it like sort of abstract and confusing and convoluted?
[00:53:07] What hills are you dying on?
[00:53:11] Because not everything can be a hill.
[00:53:15] Have your rules been clearly established and clearly explained? Again, could your team tell me what the rules are?
[00:53:23] There needs to be clarity on this.
[00:53:26] And then lastly, lastly, follow through with appropriate, clearly explained consequences.
[00:53:35] So what are the Consequences for breaking the rules.
[00:53:39] Have these been explained as well? Could your teen say, these are the rules and these are the consequences for breaking the rules?
[00:53:48] And are the consequences enforceable?
[00:53:52] Because there's no point in having rules or consequences if the consequences aren't actually enforceable.
[00:54:00] And again, consistency in this area is critical.
[00:54:04] This is what it looks like to help our teens begin to accept more and more responsibility.
[00:54:10] And then lastly, it's a framework for restraint.
[00:54:14] A framework for restraint, meaning our own personal restraint, meaning walking in self control, meaning not flying off the handle and losing it.
[00:54:26] Proverbs 26:4 says, Answer not a fool according to his folly, lest you be like him yourself.
[00:54:36] The principle here is do not be drawn into arguments. If somebody wants to argue with you, if they're acting foolishly and they are provoking you and they're poking you and they're trying to get you to engage them in an argument, then if we give ourselves over to that, then we will be acting foolish ourselves.
[00:54:55] Answer not a fool according to his folly, lest you be like him yourself. But then it says, answer a fool according to his folly, lest he be wise in his own eyes. Meaning revisit the topic later.
[00:55:08] Revisit that. When things have cooled down a little bit. We want to go there, we want to talk about that. But I'm not going to be drawn into an argument and a confrontation and a conflict about it.
[00:55:19] 2 Timothy 2 says something very similar.
[00:55:22] 2nd Timothy 2 Paul says, and the Lord's servant. The Lord's servant. So of course, this is Paul. He's speaking to Timothy. This is talking about pastoral ministry. Yet there is application for us. Are you not the Lord's servant?
[00:55:37] The Lord's servant must not be quarrelsome.
[00:55:42] So the Lord's servant, if that's who we are, we can't be drawn into arguments and be quarrelsome. The Lord's servant must not be quarrelsome, but kind to everyone.
[00:55:55] Able to teach, able to open up the Bible because we're abiding and we have something to say from God's word. Able to teach. And then notice this. Patiently enduring evil.
[00:56:10] Because there will be hard days.
[00:56:12] Patiently enduring evil, correcting his opponents with gentleness.
[00:56:18] So yes, correcting, but gently, a soft word turns away wrath. Yes, correcting, but gently.
[00:56:26] So this is kind of like the Lord's servants part. This is. This is our part. Not being quarrelsome, being kind, able to teach, patiently enduring evil, correcting with gentleness. That's our part. It's all character parts. But then here's God's part.
[00:56:43] God may perhaps grant them repentance, leading to a knowledge of the truth, and they may come to their senses and escape the snare of the devil after being captured by him to do his will.
[00:56:56] So there's our responsibility, there's our godly character, but then there's God's part, which is repentance and leading to a knowledge of the truth and bringing someone to their senses and causing them to escape from the snare of the devil.
[00:57:11] There's our part, and then there's God's part.
[00:57:15] And Then lastly, Ephesians 6:4 says, Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.
[00:57:26] Do not provoke your children to anger. That literally means, like, don't, like, be this nitpicking father who is, like, examining everything is like, that's wrong, that's wrong, that's wrong, that's wrong, that's wrong, you're wrong.
[00:57:41] Don't be that father, because it will provoke your child to anger.
[00:57:49] So what does this all look like practically? Well, again, you can see this in your notes, beginning with this. Do not try to control.
[00:57:56] When we're talking about teenagers, do not try to go, the goal here is not control. Sometimes we feel like that's the goal is control.
[00:58:05] Control is what we do with little children.
[00:58:08] But eventually, eventually, as your little child becomes a teenager, they get older and older and older. Control doesn't work, and often it will just turn into a power struggle.
[00:58:19] This can go sideways quickly. Control is not the goal.
[00:58:23] Next, do not be drawn into arguments.
[00:58:26] Sometimes your teen may actually try to draw you into arguments. Sometimes teens can feel like, oh, I can't get any kind of positive attention. And so they start to seek negative attention because at least it's some attention. If you will engage me in this argument, this is a way that it shows that you care. It's kind of twisted.
[00:58:42] Don't be drawn into arguments.
[00:58:45] Next. Do not yell.
[00:58:47] Do not yell. Yelling is often a form of control.
[00:58:52] We want gracious speech.
[00:58:54] Often. Yelling will eventually be like throwing gasoline on a fire.
[00:59:00] Next. Be patient. Remember, remember, this is just for a season.
[00:59:06] This is just for a few years. This is not forever. You're on page like 60 of a thousand.
[00:59:13] And you're also dealing with someone who is in a very immature and very emotional and very confusing and volatile stage of their life.
[00:59:25] So be patient.
[00:59:27] Be patient.
[00:59:29] Next. Be kind.
[00:59:31] Let this be your disposition when you are gone.
[00:59:36] Let this be the way that your kids describe you. My dad was patient. He was kind.
[00:59:43] He was kind.
[00:59:45] Next, do not lose self control.
[00:59:48] Do not take everything personally.
[00:59:51] Do not take everything personally. At the end of the day, this is ultimately between all of us and the Lord, right? Even your teenager. This is between them and the Lord. It's not about you.
[01:00:04] Next, is correct with gentleness. So yes, correct, but with gentleness. Be composed, be in control of yourself. And then lastly, do not provoke, do not nitpick, do not be critical, do not insult, do not mock, do not name call.
[01:00:23] This is what it looks like to practice restraint.
[01:00:27] So what does faithfulness look like in parenting teens? Well, it looks like this. It looks like reliance, relationship, responsibility and restraint. Not perfectly. Not perfectly, but increasingly, increasingly. And why? Why do we want to do this again? Here's why. Because God wants to use our character in his plan to influence our teens and to draw our teens to Him.
[01:00:56] So ask yourself, which two circles do I need to focus in the most on right now of those four circles? Which two do I need to focus in on the most right now? Is it reliance, relationship, responsibility, or restraint?
[01:01:18] And then lastly, what are the most important things in those two circles that I need to be focusing on?
[01:01:27] Let me pray.
[01:01:29] So, Father, thank you for this time that we've had together.
[01:01:33] And God, we pray that you would use this. That we would take these principles that we are receiving from your word and implement them in our lives. That we would be men who are sowing seeds in peace and that we would see a harvest of righteousness. In Jesus name, amen.
